From Washing the Dishes by Thich Nhat Hanh

Especially for you, H.

"I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to go and have dessert, the time will be unpleasant, not worth living. That would be a pity, for every second of life is a miracle. The dishes themselves and the fact that I am here washing them are miracles!"

I seem to have forgotten lately that the most important thing to me, the very most important, is that I love my children and my husband well. Not that I have a clean house or all the laundry put away or anything else. I knew this once, not that long ago, and I have allowed the energy of some people around me to creep in and change this understanding. I want it back.

http://www.mothering.com/parenting/more-than-welcome-families-come-first-in-sweden

Comin' round the bend

I don't know where I've been or what I've been doing, but I'm starting to feel a little bit back. Well, maybe I do know. The fog, caused by too much of too much, is starting to clear. The blue sky that was hidden behind, or maybe resting, is coming back into view. Following the pushing away. GET OUT OF HERE!! I'VE NO SPACE FOR YOU!! They must have not known the secret. This me is sacred. I've earned this place with sweat and tears and bleeding nails scraping to climb, muscles flexed, and I will not let go. Not. Not.
It's good, so good. The fresh air, the understanding, the peace of it having been here all along. Once earned, never taken. Life, it's such a fuzzy kind of thing, isn't it?. I wish I had known this stuff would take so much courage. Or maybe I don't.

This was his expression when he realized "the parade" that was the wait staff at Friendly's was coming to sing Happy Birthday to him. Over the moon. This boy is a rock star among rock stars. The quiet in the storm, the peanut butter to the fluff. He finds the tissues and remembers the shoes when it seems like just too much for the rest of us. He asks how much I love him and then tells me that he loves me more. Seriously. He is feisty and strong and all that other good stuff, of course. He's mine. But man is he awesome. Happy 4th birthday, my sweet, sweet boy.

Holiday pictures

I took the boys to the mall the other day to have some holiday pictures taken. Generally not our kind of thing, but we give them as gifts to family who really seem to enjoy them so we put forth the effort and take one for the team, if you will. Truth be told, there is something about them that I really like, too, although at some point I hope to have some nice shots taken at the beach or someplace other than the mall. I am not a mall person. At all.

Anyway, I take the boys over, and it goes exactly as I had hoped it would not. They were running late, the picture place, and we were running out of patience. Henry decided he was no longer going to wear his vest, which was totally cute, and everyone stated getting a bit edgy.

The friendly girl at the counter finally got permission to take our pictures and I agree to let her, having no idea if she even knows what she's doing. We shuffle into the room and try to get the boys to all look in one direction for long enough to get a picture. A friend once described getting kids this age to do something all together as being like trying to herd cats. I still laugh at this comparison. She finally gets out a tiny bench, barely big enough to fit the three of them, and we squish them all on there together. As close as close can be. And without barely another word, William puts his two little fingers in his mouth, and his brothers wrap their arms around him, and smile. All three looking at the camera. There is nothing perfect about the shot, except for all of its perfection. Beautiful, mismatched, not as anyone would plan for, and totally them. My sons. Suns. Both.

Blessings to everyone this holiday season.

I really want a dog. I know that might seem odd to some, given the fullness of our home, but it's true. Although it probably doesn't seem odd to those who know me well. Noah and Henry do too. Like, really, really. Someday, I guess. Soon.