This was his expression when he realized "the parade" that was the wait staff at Friendly's was coming to sing Happy Birthday to him. Over the moon. This boy is a rock star among rock stars. The quiet in the storm, the peanut butter to the fluff. He finds the tissues and remembers the shoes when it seems like just too much for the rest of us. He asks how much I love him and then tells me that he loves me more. Seriously. He is feisty and strong and all that other good stuff, of course. He's mine. But man is he awesome. Happy 4th birthday, my sweet, sweet boy.

Holiday pictures

I took the boys to the mall the other day to have some holiday pictures taken. Generally not our kind of thing, but we give them as gifts to family who really seem to enjoy them so we put forth the effort and take one for the team, if you will. Truth be told, there is something about them that I really like, too, although at some point I hope to have some nice shots taken at the beach or someplace other than the mall. I am not a mall person. At all.

Anyway, I take the boys over, and it goes exactly as I had hoped it would not. They were running late, the picture place, and we were running out of patience. Henry decided he was no longer going to wear his vest, which was totally cute, and everyone stated getting a bit edgy.

The friendly girl at the counter finally got permission to take our pictures and I agree to let her, having no idea if she even knows what she's doing. We shuffle into the room and try to get the boys to all look in one direction for long enough to get a picture. A friend once described getting kids this age to do something all together as being like trying to herd cats. I still laugh at this comparison. She finally gets out a tiny bench, barely big enough to fit the three of them, and we squish them all on there together. As close as close can be. And without barely another word, William puts his two little fingers in his mouth, and his brothers wrap their arms around him, and smile. All three looking at the camera. There is nothing perfect about the shot, except for all of its perfection. Beautiful, mismatched, not as anyone would plan for, and totally them. My sons. Suns. Both.

Blessings to everyone this holiday season.

I really want a dog. I know that might seem odd to some, given the fullness of our home, but it's true. Although it probably doesn't seem odd to those who know me well. Noah and Henry do too. Like, really, really. Someday, I guess. Soon.

I'm not trying to be you and failing, I'm trying to being me and succeeding.

Oh, and as a side note, I found those snow pants that Noah is wearing and a matching DOWN coat at Second Generation in Greenland for $6.00!!

First Snow

which caused Henry to exclaim, "It's Christmas!". This is going to be one fun season.

Daddy inventions,

good food and family,

and icosidodecahedrons. Cuz, ya know, that's how we roll 'round here on Thanksgiving. Be well everyone.

He wanted to be Harry Potter. And although he has no idea who Harry Potter is, other than what I briefly told him about a boy wizard, he was smitten with the idea form the start. I could not have picked a more perfect character for my fantastic first boy.

Halloween 2010

Hope everyone had a fun Halloween!

Touch

I walked into our family room the other day to find Henry very serenely resting on William's lap. I took a great shot of this, out of focus, of course. They were both as calm as could be. When they realized I was taking a picture they started laughing. The fact that they find this sort of comfort in one another is a great source of joy for me. It leaves me thinking, amidst the days of often wondering what in the hell we're doing around here, as parents, that we must be doing a little bit of something right.

(As a side note, yes, William still uses a bottle. If I was still able to nurse I would be doing that, and the fact that I can't has brought me such deep sadness at times that I won't even begin to try to touch upon it here, now. Ever, probably. So, he has his bottle, as did his brothers before him. And, yes again, we'll let him wean himself when he's ready.)

There is something about the way they do this that strikes me. The unprompted togetherness. If I carried a camera around with me I could snap pictures like this daily. They go in birth order as they move. First, second, third. No one speaks or suggests, it just happens. It's been fun to watch William join this space. He sees them go and knows almost instinctively that he belongs there, too. Next to, part of, just because.

Eese!

Eese! That's what he says as soon as you put a camera up in front of him. Baby boy, not so much baby anymore, full of joy. And spice and fire and busy, but we'll talk about that another time.

Noah's first day of Kindergarten

Well folks, he did it. And apparently loved it. Wanted to go back this afternoon, shortly after he got off the bus at a bit past 4 and started feeling frustrated with his brother. There were magnets and so many fun things and cool shoes on the boy whose hair spikes up a little. There was also a hand written note from his teacher saying that he had had a GREAT day, and a small welcome gift with attached poem. A very good way to start things off with a Mama who will expect her to bring her A game and not much less. 14 kids, 2 teachers, 1 organic garden, and a happy boy. Yes, a good start, indeed.

Read this the other day and had to share it. Maybe I love them too much, probably depends on who you ask. But it is what it is, so that's that.


http://www.boston.com/community/moms/articles/2006/08/27/beverly_beckham_i_was_the_sun_the_kids_were_my_planets/?p1=Well_MostPop_Emailed1

My sweet Henry, off to preschool. Not wanting me to take his picture. He apparently had a great time, his fantastic teacher reported. Yup, preschool. Don't even get me started. This is going to be quiet a week.

Baby in the butterfly garden. With cereal stuck to his tummy.

This was taken by his big brother, who is adored by this younger brother beyond compare. That's a lucky kind of love.

Summer

This has been the most wonderful summer, and I am sad to see it coming to an end, for many reasons. But rather than focus on the end of a season, I will attempt to look forward to what lies ahead, and be thankful that I get to call these people mine every step of the way! Truly, it still gets me almost everyday.

These were taken at an indoor play place in MA near my mother's house. We don't play there often but when we do it is a big treat! They had a blast with the pom poms for over an hour- who knew?!

I sat next to her on a bench in Millennium Park. It was a hot Chicago day, she was covered from head to toe, I, ready to undress. The older boys did just that. Down to their undies, they ran and splashed, gathering smiles as they played, waiting for the gigantic face to squirt water at them.

There was a young man sitting next to her. I assumed him to be her son, correctly. She and I exchanged smiles, playing with the baby, laughing, cooing, admiring. Her son and I got to talking, seemed like a really nice guy. She was visiting from Jerusalem, a Palestinian, far from home. She dared to take off her shoes, exposing stocking covered toes, relieved, I'm sure, to be momentarily set free. Her face was one of kindness, gentleness, experience way more than her fair share. Information was shared in bits, perhaps with a splash of feeling out to be sure that I was not looking to, um, judge. After what seemed like a very long while she finally spoke to me, looking me in the eye. "Five years. Five years." I don't know if she had tears, but think I did. I looked to her son, he elaborated. "It's been 5 years since she's seen me. She's telling you it's been 5 years since she's seen me." I pause. Attempt to make a joke, as if I cannot presume to understand why, as if I shouldn't let it cloud my mind that I am born of immeasurable good fortune. As if I've never seen the news. But we both know. We both understand.

The secret and constant gratitude of Mother. To know what it means to love someone more than yourself. A love so powerful that you would release the thing that is The Most to a far away promise. And not know if or when you might see them again.

I was left to hope that she saw in me my lack of judgment. My hope that, no matter what the circumstance, my home would treat him well. Keep him safe. Be at its best. Embrace as it has done for so many before. And in honor of her, and mothers all over the world, I hoped I would remember more to treat my life with the gratitude it deserves. Understand that I am no better, no more worthy, no more loved by God. Than anyone. Just so. very. lucky. And maybe I'll get up off my ass more often and act like it, and pay it forward.

Traveling is a wonderful thing.

Girl to boy (girl we don't know)-

"Why do you have your toenails painted? Boys don't paint their nails."

Visualize me stopping in my tracks immediately to see how the boy will respond. And waiting to see if I will need to trip the girl for teasing him.

Boy looks her squarely in the eye, and in response, after a 5 second or so pause, tilts his head to the left and raises his shoulders slightly, quickly-

"Because I like it. And when my Mom gets some blue nail polish at the store (now waving his fingers at girl) I'm gonna paint my fingernails, too!"

He races off on his ride on toy, the one you don't need to push but only to turn the steering wheel quickly to get it to move.

"Hmm," she responds, and races off behind him.

I smile to myself, quietly, proudly. With relief. And think,

Ya, I grew him.

And, at the end of the day,
a very, very long day of
playgrounds and bee stings and falls and hurt arms and critical care visits and stitches and fear,
this is where they land.

And big provides comfort to little
solely by proximity
as little does so very often to big,
and secret understandings are shared as only those who stand close to the earth can share,
and all is okay.

Memorial Day weekend, 2010

You could offer me nothing, nothing, that would make me willing to give up this time for something else. These little people of mine leave me no with doubt that I am exactly where I am meant to be. No uncertainties, no regrets.

If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"I definitely think everyone is the perfect parent until they have a kid, and everyone is a good parent until they have 2. Once you get to 3 and beyond you should get a medal for getting out of bed."

I read this today and thought it was so funny I had to save it. It was in reference to us feeling judged by other parents and how this concern impacts our parenting.

Mother's Day

I love these little people, and it is not a slight thing when they who are fresh from God love us.--Charles Dickens

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day!

Laundry

This is what I worked on today. Not knitting, sewing, or baking a beautiful cake. Laundry. You can often find baskets of it in our bedroom. I work very hard to get it cleaned during the day but it often goes unfolded for longer than I would like. Because, truthfully, I would rather be spending time with my kids than folding laundry. And we make a lot of laundry. My husband and I both like a tidy house and continue to find it challenging to attain for longer than a few minutes. And we're okay with that, or at least we try to be. A family lives here, real people, and we live fully. We make messes, we get dirty. Real life is like that.

Art, creating, Noah style. Joyfully, freely, no one telling him what to do or how to do it. In his element. As we all should be.

There's a lot of this going on around here these days. I had forgotten this week, somehow, how simple a cure being held is. The top 2 photos were taken a while ago. Henry's hair is much longer now.

I find it easy to become overwhelmed by what I think I'm supposed to be doing during the day. Allowing messages from others to creep in and impact how I feel about my mothering. Some days are busy with 3 little ones. Busy in the most wonderful way, especially when I don't allow myself to get bogged down in negativity. My default, hold my kids. Just pick them up and hold them. Focus on the here and now. I need reminders to not allow myself to get carried away with worry. Wear your babies, Heather, I tell myself, this very well might be close to all they need. (And you, too.)

"... People with great passions, people who accomplish great deeds, people who possess strong feelings, even people with great minds and a strong personality, rarely come out of good little boys and girls." - L.S. Vygotsky

I took this the other day when he was watching tv. He didn't even realize I was taking it, but I felt the need to document somehow how he was wearing his new hat. Apparently the brim was getting in his way when viewing so he turned it around. And he seemed so big. Again. And then again. He had just finished telling me that he couldn't reach to wash his hands at the kitchen sink, and then he could. Just like that.